I write here today, because I awoke in such a great , energetic, happy mood, checked into the forums, and was so totally floored by a certain member, that attempted to clean the floor with a reply in a post I made...meant for Firstmoms, I as usual ..with stupidity thought I could finally post where I could tell my true feelings about my twins. Not so, these forums, I had always felt were for ALL of us to come learn, vent, cry, listen and hear, others and their journies. I thought, since I had no one in my everyday world to open up to about my journey with the twins, this was a perfect place to come to. I have always enjoyed coming and listening, responding, and sometimes give gut honest opinions...I thought that was what the forums were for. I will come here now, for I know I am safe here, I cannot hurt anyone here in my own journal world. I still can purge my pain, feelings, and love that are deep inside me..without being told I have no right to do so. It has taken me 45 minutes to stop crying..thank GOD my hottie is hauling hay, for I would not like him to see me this upset. He is such an amazing gentle sole, he made me feel like a queen again this morning. We have now been married 10 yrs. I have only had 3 partners , and all 3 have been husbands. So I am not the most experienced at telling whether he is the best(especially at 62 yrs old), but I can imagine none any better. We enjoy trying new things,and always have the best time doing so. I must go take a tractor to the field..I just needed to come to my safe place, and get rid of my anger/sadness, from realizing this place is not for me..the forums that is. I know when one comes here, the adoption journeys are not always a pleasant happy place, quite the opposite actually. I knwo that we all have differing opinions, and because the subjet of our lives is adoption, there will be advers opinions that will cause some heated replies. I just thought ALL were welcome to have their voice heard...in a respectful manner...I was wrong!

Hello Everyone, This is my first time here- my first post. I'm not unfamiliar with posting on the Internet because I'm the Host of a support site called MiscarriageHelp.com. But, this is different. While I spend much of my time, (early in the day), caring about and trying to support others in their time of need, this is my time, my 'space' if you will, to share my heart- my dreams. I remember saying to my mother when I was around ten that I wanted to adopt a child someday. The feeling was so strong- as if I were born with it. I've read that some call it the "adoption gene". Perhaps that's true. I don't remember a time when I didn't feel almost a 'calling' to adopt. It's like a part of my personality and soul I was born with. I can't explain it. I just know it was there then and is still present today. I've learned not to give up on your dreams. I've also come to believe how our thoughts actually create our reality. What I mean by this, (and it's only my opinion), is that if I were to give up on my dreams of adopting, I'd essentially attract that to me. That's the last thing I want. So, I believe with all my heart, that the right child at the right time will come into my life. A child who needs me and all the love I have waiting, as much as I need him or her. This site is another step, a very real and concrete step towards living the dream. I'm putting myself out there and saying to anyone who wants to listen, "I have spent far too long waiting to be called Mommy and that special place in my heart will be filled as soon as I hear that word." I have a lot to learn, and have learned a lot. This path will lead where it's supposed to and I know there will come a day when my heart feels fulfilled because we have a family to call our own. A family that spends birthdays, Christmas's, and every day together travelling wonderfully unexpected paths- all which lead back to home. Thanks for stopping by and I look forward to making new friends here, to learning what I need to know, sharing whatever I can, and to all of us realizing our own dreams coming true. Ellen

Native children are languishing in state care in unthinkable numbers, far higher than ever lived in residential schools at any one time. Canada remains so traumatized by the sixties scoop,Ӕ the widespread adoption of native children into white homes, that it allows the native children of today to grow up without a permanent home of their own. http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/opinions/editorials/native-children-also-have-the-right-to-parents/article1833657/

"Adoption is a violent act, a political act of aggression towards a woman who has supposedly offended the sexual mores by committing the unforgivable act of not suppressing her sexuality, and therefore not keeping it for trading purposes through traditional marriage. The crime is a grave one, for she threatens the very fabric of our society. The penalty is severe. She is stripped of her child by a variety of subtle and not so subtle manoeuvres and then brutally abandoned." - Joss Shawyer, Death by Adoption, Cicada Press (1979) Young parents today are still pressured and coerced into surrendering their children. These abusive practices are still alive and thriving in America's $1.4 billion-per-year adoption industry. Adoption is and has always been deeply imbued in classism, as it is adoption's intent and most often outcome to move a child from lower to higher-class status. This is truer today than ever, as adoption has become a business of finding children for clients Legal adoption in America only came into mainstream a century ago when people stopped believeing that sins were passed from mother to child, and at first all adoption records were open to the public. When they began to be closed, it was only to the general public, and the intent was to protect adoptees from public scrutiny of the circumstances of their birth.Adoptive parents and agencies that profited from adoption lobbied to overturn reform laws.Adoptees who held questions of identity, ancestry, and genetics had nowhere to turn for answers.The records were sealed for 99 years, even with joint consent, and searching carries a criminal penalty. A Public Affairs pamphlet from 1969, You and Your Adopted ChildӔ, states, Instances of extreme curiosity and concern almost never happenӅ However, should a youngster ever raise the question, it is important, of course, to make it very clear that a search is unrealistic and can lead to unhappiness and disillusionment. The Impact of the 1960Ԓs and 1970s Revolutions on Current Adoption Practices ■Liberation movements: womenҒs liberation, civil rights movement, sexual revolution, adoptees liberty movement (ALMA, 1971), birth fathersҒ rights. ■Birth control methods reduced the number of unplanned pregnancies. ■The legalization of abortion gave women a choice in whether or not to carry an unplanned pregnancy to term. ■Normalization of single parenthood in the dominant culture allowed women to choose whether to place a child for adoption or raise the child alone. ■Support of this choice was provided by increased welfare aids for unmarried females and head of household tax relief, as well as increased job opportunities. ■The Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA-1978) ■Normalization of step, blended, or other family types which are not connected by blood. ■Birth Parents and adult adoptees began to speak out about their experiences, their rights and their needs. Groups such as Origins USA (founded in 1997) started to actively speak about family preservation and the rights of mothers. The intellectual tone of these recent reform movements was influenced by the publishing of The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. "Primal wound" is described as the "devastation which the infant feels because of separation from its birth mother. It is the deep and consequential feeling of abandonment which the baby adoptee feels after the adoption and which may continue for the rest of his life." In 2007, the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute published a report concerning the issue of adoption records written by Madelyn Freundlich, the former general counsel for the Child Welfare League of America and past associate director of program and planning for the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Two of the main findings of the report state that adoptees are the only people in the U.S. that are, as a class, denied the right to view their own birth certificates, and denying adult adopted persons access to information related to their births and adoptions has potentially serious, negative consequences with regard to their physical and mental health.Ӕ The child who does not grow up with his own biological parents, who does not even know them or anyone of his own blood, is an individual who has lost the thread of family continuity. A deep identification with our forebears, as experienced originally in the mother-child relationship, gives us our most fundamental security.

Here is the information on my birthmother...Name: Diane Walker. I was born at St. Francis Hospital in Evanston, IL on June 16, 1970. Adopted 10 days later through Catholic Charities. My name on original birth certificate was Josette Lynn Walker. Birthfather was reportedly in Navy. Birthmother desc: 5'5", brown hair/brown eyes. Birth grandmother reportedly killed in car wreck in 1969. Birthmother lived with her Grandmother and Father. Also lived in "wage home" in the months before my birth, and did daycare in exchange for room and board. This family's name was Casey.

Stepparent adoption is a common form of adoption, where an adopting stepparent is willing to assume financial and legal responsibility of his/her spouse’s children, and release the noncustodial parent of parental responsibilities. The process has permanent legal consequences, and will be a huge psychological change for the child, the biological parent, and the adopting family. As the stepparent adoption procedure takes place among people who know each other, the court may forego the requirement of home visits and adoption hearings. This helps quicken the process, and makes it easier for the stepparent to receive consent from the noncustodial parent. Here are a few considerations to keep in mind before opting for stepparent adoption. [url=https://adoption.com/blogs/5270/adopting-a-child-5-mistakes-you-must-strictly-avoid/]Adoption[/url] will bring a major change in the lives of the child and the birth parent. After the formal process is over, a legal relationship begins to exist between the child and guardian. Now, the adoptee will be entitled as a legal heir of the adopter, among other permanent changes. It is, therefore, important to consult an adoption attorney and understand the legalities involved. While some federal laws do apply to adoption, states make their own adoption laws based on their statutes. An attorney can inform you about the state adoption laws and legal precedents that can help you with adoption. If your current spouse will be the stepparent, then the biological parent needs to be aware that the adoption will make your spouse the child's legal parent, and also responsible for all legal rights and responsibilities of parenthood. Additionally, the child will no longer hold claim to inheritance from the previous family. As part of the adoption procedure, you need to present certified copies of the child's birth certificate, documents of your marriage to the current spouse, and the birth parents’ divorce documents. If the biological parent is deceased, then a certified copy of the death certificate will be required, otherwise his/her service address needs to be presented. These documents will be handled by your attorney at the preliminary adoption hearing. Post-adoption, the adopting parent may hold a claim in the child’s property. Remember to document the details in the adoption petition, and present them during the hearing. The certificates can be related to Social Security payments, land or tangible property, and trust funds inherited by the child. During the preliminary court hearing, you will have to file a form that reflects the noncustodial parent’s consent for the adoption. If the parent has approved, then the hearing is not likely to face major difficulties. The consent form relieves the noncustodial parent from all further child support obligations. A situation may arise where the birth parent might not be willing to cooperate with the procedure. Parent’s consent is of utmost importance, and the lack of it can obstruct the procedure. If you are unable to locate the parent, then the court might permit you to publish a legal notice in a newspaper. If the other parent still does not respond, then the consent is nullified for the adoption. [url=http://www.dlgteam.com/]A child custody lawyer can help you[/url] devise a strategy to avoid a trial. The process of adoption is initiated with a Petition for Adoption filed by you and presented to the court. You need to state the elementary information regarding your identity and the reason for adoption, along with details of the child to be adopted. Certain counties and states may ask for a Supplemental Petition with additional details – such as employment, previous marriage(s), military service, and other children’s details. Based on the details shared with the court, the judge will announce a hearing date for the petition – you will need to attend. At the hearing, the judge will hear the case to question the parties involved. Make sure that you meet with your attorney to finalize the strategy for the hearing, and advise about how adoption hearings are conducted in courts. The hearing will conclude with the judge stating a date for the finalization of the adoption. At this stage, a social worker from the [url=https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_Protective_Services]Child Protective Service[/url] (CPS) will visit your home to conduct a home study to understand more about your family. The meeting is primarily conducted to help you prepare for adoption, evaluate the current capability, and the home environment of the prospective family. It is, therefore, important to understand the requirements of the evaluation process. There are multiple agencies that offer initial informational sessions or orientations to help you through the adoption process. During the meeting, the social worker can interview you several times to form a relationship with you and understand your family better. This will help him/her to assist you with the adoption. This is the final leg of the adoption procedure, where the judge will make his/her ruling on the adoption petition. If the judge is satisfied with the documents and the intent of adopting the child, then the ruling may be in your favor. The finalization hearing is attended by the adopting parents, the child, the adoption attorney, and the CPS social worker. The judge awards an adoption certificate issued by the court, which states that the adoptee is the legal child of the adopting parent. Once the adoption is finalized, you can apply for the amended birth certificate of the child to be issued. Stepparent adoption laws are formed with the view to provide the best home environment for adopted children. Although the parties involved are related, the procedure may get complicated at later stages. Hence, it is important to opt for legal aid and avoid potential challenges in court. This way, the court can ensure that the children enjoy good relationships with both parents. The above points will help you know more about the aspects that need to be taken care of when opting for stepparent adoption. ([url=https://pixabay.com/en/mother-daughter-family-park-child-1171569/"Image Credit[/url])

I have a question. My friend came over to the US from the Philippines with her newborn baby. She and the baby have been staying with me for a few weeks. Now she wants to leave the baby with me to adopt and her go back to the Philippines. I live in Illinois. She saids she can't finacially care for the child. I am already a foster parent with DCFS here. With hoping to adopt. But now she has thrown this wanting me to adopt her baby and she is wanting to leave asap, which means she won't be here when we would go to court. She has no physical address in the Philippines cause she lives here and there with different people. What should I do. I do want to adopt the child. But I don't want to have to deal with ICAB there in Philippines. Since the baby is already here in the US. She even has the babys birth certificate here with me. Can I just go through the courts here and do it without her. She saids she will sign what ever forms she needs to sign before she leaves.

Adoptions need to be done differently. Closed adoptions worked for 90 years, sure some people didn't like it. Now for the last 20 years it's been a trail to see if open adoptions work - sure they work for some people, but the majority dont work. What we are forgetting out of all this is the child. This Child is innocent and had no choice. The birth mother for whatever reason didn't want or could take care of the child and choose adoption - great now the child has two parents that love them. but now the birth-parent wants back in after all the screaming and pee and poo is done - sorry this is not a baby sitting service. These adoptive parents have paid $50, $100, $150k for this child so you really think they dont care for this child. They wanted a child bad enough that they gave up on a new car, new house, vacations, new shoes and allot of fun things to have this child. OK I know you are saying what do you know you just adopted a child - ok fair enough. But, I do understand as I was adopted as well. I understand confusion with the birth parents and hurt to the adoptive parents. So we really need to think what is best for the child. Is it open adoptions, sure those do work, but agencies shouldn't force people into that so they can make more money. Its greedy adoption agencies that profit in the end - that is it. Closed adoptions, they worked for 90 years, but not for everyone and than semi open, great alternative and gives you the right to close it. Or does it? There are laws in place that if a birthmother wants to they can get rights, if they can prove they are what is best for the child. So say this happens, the birth mother takes you to court you spend $$$ and the birth mother drags it out, is this what is in the best interest of the child? Who is being selfish here? if the birth mother really wanted what was best for the child than she would let them live there lives. So i know allot of people who dont understand adoption will have there say, but that is the issue. people dont understand adoption. Our society needs to be educated properly. I've head through out my left from people, family, and others many things and it hurts Oh your not blood, so your not really part of the family. Oh you are adopted that explains it, you not really part of the family, who are your real parents. All stupid questions. My parents are the ones that raised me and this is my family. You marry into a family, you arent blood, but you are apart of the family. The word Adoption needs to be looked at in a different way. Sorry just because we are adopted doesn't change who we are. So if you give up a child - let that child have the best life possible. If you adopt, give the child the best life possible and if you are adopted - live life to its best, care for the people who adoptive you as they are your parents. If you feel you need to find your roots feel free, but be-careful and go slow.

Almost a thousand prospective adoptive parents received an e¬mailed notice advising that Independent Adoption Center (IAC) was declaring chapter 7 bankruptcy and closing permanently, effective immediately. IAC is licensed in eight states, including Florida, with an office in Tampa. The abrupt closing of all IAC offices and its programs has left many families in dire straits, both financially and emotionally. Those in the middle of an adoption are now hampered in their ability to complete the adoption, and others have lost substantial sums of money which will hinder if not eliminate their ability to adopt. This is a situation that should never happen. The legislature should mandate that adoption agencies segregate and hold adoptive parent funds in a separate trust account, and prohibit use of adoptive parent money until earned. Comingling hopeful adoptive parent funds with agency operating funds allows the premature expenditure of these monies at the agency's discretion with little financial oversight. The end result can shatter the hopes and dreams of prospective parents, who seek to create or enlarge their families through adoption. Prospective adoptive parents should make inquiry with adoption agencies as to their fiscal management policies in this regard. The Fellows of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys have pledged to assist those families that now find themselves in an untenable situation as a result of IAC's bankruptcy. The Academy will assist these families in order for them to obtain their files from IAC, or to have them transferred to other reputable licensed adoption agencies. The Academy will also assist in advising those families as to be best way to proceed with regard to their prospective adoptions. There will be no charge for these services. A list of volunteer attorneys is posted to the Academy website at www.adoptionattorneys.org Jeanne Trudeau Tate, adoption attorney www.floridaadoptionattorney.com

I want to share a real life glimpse into the world of adoption with you for just a second. Something as seemingly innocent and sweet as a Disney movie can have much larger implications for the family impacted by adoption. As my son and I were watching Tangled for the 101th time this morning, he asks me: “Mom, who’s she?” (in reference to mother Gothel) Me, choosing my words very carefully, replied: “She’s the lady who stole baby Rapunzel from her birthparents and acted as Rapunzel’s mother growing up” Because I believe it is central to my child’s healthy development to talk to him openly about his adoption and for him to be able to make the distinction between what Mother Gothel unlawfully did in this situation and what birth parents do when an adoption plan is made, I explained to him that mine and his birth mothers chose to not parent us because they were not able to take care of us and that no one “stole” us from our birthparents. My son’s immediate response was: “WERE WE BAD?” “No son. We were not bad.” Fellow friends, this is the inside mind of a 4 year old adoptee. Raw and unfiltered. This is the side of adoption that doesn’t get talked about. Doesn’t get published. Doesn’t get glamorized. Adoptive parents; Families affected by adoption in any shape, form or capacity- this is my call to you… Please, Please, Please, don’t pretend that your child’s adoption story is all roses and rainbows, and that your existence in their lives somehow negates a previous core loss. Their story matters to them, and they need to hear it throughout their lives. It is central to their identity and who they are. Yes it is hard for them to process, and yes you have to watch them endure sad and painful emotions. But you spare them no pain by ignoring this inevitable part about them throughout their childhood and then leaving them to grapple with it as teenagers and adults on their own. If you cannot handle these realities, then you are not prepared for the selfless sacrifices adoption requires on your part for your child. This made the difference for me in my life and I plan to pass it on.

I have been struggling with open adoption for a long time. My son was taken from me at the age of 18, my then ex gf was using drugs and couldnt keep her self out of trouble and I had an unstable living envrioment due to my adopted parents and I always fighting. I refused to sign over my rights, but I was eventually told I had to, or they would be taken from me. After I lost my son in court I thought that was it. Somehow though my adopted parents still kept on seeing my son. It pissed me off to say the least. They told me that they had obtained sometype of rights through the open adoption to see him. So for years they went and saw him once a month , talked to him on the phone, put his pictures everywhere ....it killed me. It wasnt until my son was about 7 that my now wife contacted Amom to try and establish some type of contact. She was prepared for the answer of no, ,but to our surprise she started to write to us about how my son was doing, she sent us pictures and two years later after consistant contact we set up a time for me , my wife , my mom and my son to spend the weekend alone together. It was awesome. It truly was and I am eternally greatful. After the visit though, my mom got kinda jealous that we were sharing contact with my son and told the Amom some not so flattering things about me that landed us with no emails , no contact period for about two years. My mom had lied to me and told me that my son had stopped calling her all together as well, but i found out she had been lying. It was a very hurtful situation. I was angry that my emails were no longer being answered, that i felt like I had just gotten back into my sons life and now it was taken away from me AGAIN. when my son was 12 I got back into contact with him. He got a cell phone of his own and his Amom was okay with me calling and texting him freely. I was able to send him cards and gifts, have unlimited contact over the phone etc etc. It wasnt until my mom passed away when my son was 13 that I was allowed to go down to visit him and have a whole weekend with him unsupervised. I get annoyed sometimes with Amom when I dont hear how he is doing. Now that my son is a teenager, hes moody and sometimes unresponsive to my texts... so i get upset because i try to talk to amom about it and she shrugs it off. Dont get me wrong , I AM eternally greatful that Amom has let me and my wife have contact, pictures, unsupervised visits etc etc. for that I am eternally thankful. But sometimes there is a shadow of a doubt, that maybe i will say something wrong unintentionally and she will cut off contact, or she will say something about me to my son and he wont like me anymore. It keeps me up at night. I am just thankful I am in in his life and scared at the same time. Everytime we lost contact, its like im in court again being forced to give up my rights.

[img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2017/03/ef67aa4341eff8af6b16f373330203e5_view.jpg[/img] A few years ago, I had the opportunity to work for a local radio station as a movie critic/part time radio personality. Every week, I would attend a particular movie, discuss it on air with my co-worker, and write up a small op-ed piece to publish on the station's web page. (You can see an example of it, just for fun, here: http://mix1043fm.com/rock-of-ages-movie-review-good-bad-ugly/) That fun little part time gig is now in the past, and it's been quite awhile since I've written a movie review, although that isn't really the purpose of this post. Recently, I had the opportunity to see the film "Lion", about a young boy named Saroo, who becomes lost and separated from his family in India, and is eventually adopted by an Australian couple. In the past, movies about adoption were crossed off my list immediately, because I found them too upsetting....especially if there was a "happy reunion" at the end, reminding me of my own inability to find my missing pieces. But due to the developments of the past year, I finally felt emotionally prepared to see this film that was garnering a lot of critical acclaim. Truth be told, I'm not sure anyone could actually be prepared for the feelings this movie stirs up, and as an adoptee, I found myself staring at the screen in wonder, shocked that someone had been able to so accurately portray the emotions I have felt for most of my adult life. To clarify, my life has certainly not been anything close to what this child endured. The differences in our stories are profound: He had a close loving relationship with his mother and siblings for the first few years of his life, and then was, in effect, ripped from them as a small child. He was homeless, hungry and scared. He was subjected to people who had no sense of humanity, and it was only through his eventual adoption that he was able to feel safe again. Being adopted at birth, I obviously had no previous memory of my birth family, no "strings of attachment", and I certainly never experienced any of the horrific things that Saroo did---at the age of 5, when he was sleeping on a piece of cardboard in the streets, I was living in the warm, safe and loving home of my adoptive family. But the similarities in our stories are also numerous, and that is what prompted me to write this particular post. As much as the sadness of his earlier life broke my heart, it was watching him in his search for his identity that spoke to my soul. Certain things would 'trigger' him to think about his family, starting with an Indian dessert that is served at a party he is attending. The feelings are so strong that it almost debilitates him. I thought of the times when I would experience that same moment of helplessness, as someone would point out that my sister looked so much like my mother, and that I didn't seem to resemble either of my parents....and I would get lost in the thoughts of "Yes, I look like someone, but I don't know who they are". When Saroo began his search, there was a feeling of overwhelming impossibility. He really has no idea where to start, no solid leads or names to help him, and ----let's face it----India is not a small place. As he starts plotting the possibilities up on his wall, it took me back to the countless hours I spent entering my name and information into literally hundreds of "adoption reunion" databases. I had no names to work with, and no idea of where exactly they might be, so I had no way to look for anyone in particular.....all I could do was enter my information, and pray that someone was looking for ME. I followed every single lead I could think of over the years, no matter how far fetched it was, because the pull to know was just too great to stop. Saroo portrayed that as well, basically becoming so fixated on finding information that his family and girlfriend were almost completely alienated from his life. At one point, he expresses that he just wants to be able to find his mother and comfort her....let her know that he is alright. He knows that she has grieved his loss and it torments him. When I became a mother for the first time, I started to grasp the possibility that my own birthmother was carrying a burden of missing me as well, and it became so important to me to be able to reassure her that I was fine. Even though I eventually learned that she was not particularly worried about me, it was a blessing to ME to be able to let her know. Eventually Saroo reaches a point where there seems to be no more leads and his girlfriend says "well, what if you NEVER find them? Then what??" This is a common response from many who are NOT adoptees and have a difficult time understanding the pull that many of us feel to get answers. Saroo's parents loved him and he had enjoyed a significantly "better" life with them, than he could have ever experienced in India. Why couldn't he just be grateful for that and let it go? For some adoptees, there seems to be no real "need" to search for their birth families, and they are content with the information they have. For others, it's as if they have a piece of their identity missing, and they feel utterly lost until they find it. I've likened it before to a "Non adoptee" being told they could never know the names of their grandparents or history of their ancestors, simply because a law wouldn't allow it. All of a sudden it makes no sense that this law actually exists for anyone. And what many people fail to understand, is that searching for your roots does NOT mean that you love or appreciate your adoptive family any less. I have personally found in my searching that locating my birth family has just strengthened the love I have for my parents and sister, while enlarging my family circle and allowing me to love even MORE people. One of my favorite quotes from the movie is when Saroo tells his adoptive mother, after he finds his family in India, "Finding her doesn't change who you are to me". And finally, in the scene where he embraces his family again (spoiler alert---he DOES find them), the emotions are so overwhelming that even my big tough guy husband sitting next to me was tearing up. I found this scene so beautiful for many reasons but mostly because of the fact that he no longer speaks the same language as his mother and siblings, but they are still able to express their love for each other. Although I can't specifically relate to embracing my birthmother---she remains somewhat elusive to ALL her children it seems----I HAVE had the amazing opportunity of hugging my half sister and speaking by phone with both half brothers. And although our lives have been significantly different----in effect, we sort of "speak a different language"-- it's been an amazing thing to me that you can be apart from people for decades, and if you are family, there is no distance. If you are a person who can't quite understand the importance of allowing adoptees access to their birth records (even though that was not the exact issue that Saroo faced), this can help you more fully grasp the struggles that many of us face in needing all the information we can get to help us in our search. I don't very often recommend a movie based on adoption merits, but because this film is based on a true story AND truly nails the emotions that many adoptees experience, I can't say enough about it. Thank you Hollywood, for making a film that puts adoption in the spotlight and allows people to see the good that comes from adoptees getting answers. http://simplysnarky.blogspot.com/2017/02/adoption-on-big-screen.html

I am new and don't really know about this and I am hoping to meet others involved in adoption, especially an adult adoption - the adult adoptive parent or the adult adoptee. I am 17 years old now. I have a really rough childhood. When I was young I was an outcast and a victim of bullying. My parent sends me to study abroad just to get out of their way and now they threatened to cut me off. I feel so scared because I don't know where to go if they cut me off. It took me years to finally see and realise that I needed to find a better way to live my life, that I deserved a better/safer life, and that I am not a bad person. One should never be obligated to have contact with people just because they raised them, it's all about respecting, honest, caring, empathy, and being open-minded, is what makes a family in my opinion. I have always struggled with my relationship with my biological parent and never really felt like I belonged anywhere and always wanted to know what it was like to have mothers and fathers to love. If I decided to follow my dream my biological parent are going to be very angry and hurt but I have spent my whole life trying to make them love me and gain their approval. I don't want to hurt anyone I just want to be happy, loved, accepted and allowed to just be myself. I hope one day that I can find a place to really call home and people that want me in their life.

Before I became a part of the adoption community, I had an interest in adoption. I loved to read blogs about adoption and sometimes I would even peruse adoptive parent profiles, just for fun. I remember reading a blog one time in which an adoptive mom remarked that now that she had adopted a Marshalese child, they had become a multicultural family. I remember thinking that was the weirdest thing. My thought was, "No you're not. She's a baby. She'll just adapt to your family's culture." I truly didn't understand what she was even really meant by that. I could see saying that they were a multiracial family - but multicultural? That didn't make sense. Along those lines, I always thought it was a little weird when adopted people looked for their birth parents. "You already have a family," I'd think to myself. "Why are you looking for more?" Fast forward several years later, however, and now these two ideas have come into sharp focus in my mind. As I have listened to adoptees talk about their adoption experiences, I have come to realize that biological connections and cultural roots are much more powerful than I'd ever given them credit for. Now when I interact with people at family gatherings - and extended family gatherings - I realize what a comfort it is to be surrounded by people who look like me, who have similar quirks to me, who share the same grandparents and great-grandparents and great-great grandparents. There is something very powerful and grounding about knowing WHERE you came from and WHO you came from. When a child is adopted into a family, they still carry their birth families in every cell of their bodies. This isn't to say that there isn't a power in the family that they were adopted into - the child will become a part of that family, integrated by love and shared experiences and the daily weaving of being together - but now I understand how important it is for adoptees to have access to and experiences with the biological roots that shape them just as powerfully.

Whether you're an adoptive parent or not... whether you're a foster parent or not.. you can invest in the future of adoption and foster care by taking a few actions with your children today. Some of these are subtle, but can help create a generation of children who decide that they will be the last generation to know what an orphan is in the world. Open Door Policy - be the household on the block where all the kids come and hang. Create an atmosphere where children are welcome -- not just the popular kids, but all kids. Your Children Are Important - be sure they know that each and every day. Some parents dismiss kids in important conversations. Take the time to value what your children have to say and let them know that you don't discount their opinions just because of their age. Be a Global Parent - It's not easy for whole families to travel around the world, but travel (on any scale) broadens the mind. Expose your family to new ideas about the world. Plan family time once a month to watch a documentary (please... no reality shows) on a different culture. If you do get a chance to travel, take a look at a few cultural highlights on the way to Disney. Use these experiences to engage your children on what it's like to live in another culture or a different part of the world. Read - If you read, they read. It's a basic formula. Try picking up a book on a different culture and use it for discussions around the dinner table. Find books for your kids on different cultures - age appropriate of course. As a kid, one of my favorite books was "Island Boy" about a young boy growing up in Hawaii. I found the culture fascinating. Compassion - Be a parent of compassion for other children. Support a child or a program in a different part of the world. It could just be $10 a month! But imagine the difference it makes in the life of a child in another country. And over time, see what a difference it makes in the lives of your own children. Get them involved in learning about the culture or cultures your favorite charity represents. I'm biased, of course, but Orphan World Relief would be a great starting point! Regardless, involve your children in the decision and be sure that when you write the check each month, you talk about it as a family and engage with your own children about something they've learned about another culture. Involve Children in Supporting Causes - Find a cause locally or internationally you believe in and work with your children to make a difference. Do an annual garage sale and give the money to a charity of your children's choosing supporting kids (locally or globally). Have them come up with their own ideas of how they can support a cause. Learn a Language - Enroll the family in a language course where you can learn together (don't be too concerned if your kids do better than you). Connecting with another language helps connect you with a different culture. The younger your children are exposed to languages, the easier it will be for them to learn languages later in life when they need to in high school or college. Eat food from other Cultures - Even if it's just grabbing tacos, take the time to engage with the food of another culture. Try and find a local restaurant and not a chain with people working their from other cultures. It's probably easier than you may think! Research the food. Learn where it comes from and talk with your children about ways you can make it at home. Talk with Your Children - Every idea has one central theme: conversation. Engage your children in conversation... talk about other people groups. Help your kids talk about the differences and similarities of others. Try to help them become better world travelers by calling out things that don't make sense in our own culture as "different" rather than passing judgement by saying something is "stupid". Pose questions to your children to help them think through why something might be the way it is... and then research the truth! Volunteer with Others Less Fortunate - There will always be children who need a mentor. Sign up to be a big brother or a big sister. Spend time with your nieces and nephews. Help a single parent out at Church by befriending them and their children. Even if you do all of these things, there are no guarantees that your kids will decide to adopt or foster other children. They learn by what you do. Consider making room for one more child in your home through adoption. But even if you cannot adopt, you can help prepare your children to be better world citizens by following some of these simple ideas. It doesn't cost anything but time and a little creativity. Be a global hero to your children by making them global heroes in their own right. More blog posts about orphans, adoption and life: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dougriggle/detail/recent-activity/posts/

This is my story (the short, 1,000 word version). I've published it on my own personal blog, so I will just link it here so as not to have the content showing up in two separate places on the web. For context, my son is now eight years old. Though it is an open adoption, the pain and trauma of this experience has led me to stop visiting all together. We will reconnect when he is 18, if he wants to. [img]https://adoption.com/community/PF.Base/file/attachment/2018/02/c2e6aaede34caf14032a93aa19a0311d_view.jpg[/img] https://freeupyourplate.com/2018/02/21/i-gave-up-my-baby-for-adoption/

My search really started when the courts told me that my last name started with a "K". I started by looking up all of the high schools list for Allegheny County, Pennsyvania. Once I had those I went to classmates.com and started going through everybody listed for the years '67 & '68. Diane graduated in '68 just after I was born. I found 2 people with the name Diana and 4 with the name Diane. I was able to eliminate 4 of the people by either age or name(one graduated in '67, another was to young, one had a polish last name and the others birthdate was to late in the year). Diane was almost 18, so her birthday wasn't to far away. I checked on info for these to and they seamed to fit. One person seamed to fit really well. Then I asked my CI if my bgrandfather was still alive and she said "no." I looked up both of the last names and I person had died thatfit my bgrandfathers info. I asked my CI if he had died along time ago or not and she told me 2004 and that his second wife had also died in 2001. This didn't fit with any info that I had found. I was sure that I didn't have the right people. I spent some time going through the obits for Pittsburgh area for 2004 and finially found him. It fit the name that I had and it listed both Diane's name and her husbands. It listed Diane's brother and his wife as well as my bgrandfather's 2nd wife and her to kids with spouses. His picture is also posted with the obit. Now all I have to do is figure out which Diane (with her last name as there are several) is her. But I do believe I might have it figured out. I just need to do some cross referancing. I will not try to contact her until the CI has finished her job and hope that Diane will respond that way as I don't want to scare her. The CI is still waiting a responce to the second letter that she sent out registered. I will just sit back and wait but now I know that if nothing happens with the CI, I know that I am not done.

Well tomorrow my mom moves in. What a change in events eh??? We are both sort of dreading living with each other....so we have decided to make the best of it and have fun....most of it will include loving the coolest kid on the planet. On a sad note.....or I hope not sad...but maybe sad....it looks more and more like Colon cancer :-( But we will know more after Wednesday. So I now get to add her weekly doctor visits in Orange County 2 hours round trip away to my daugther's therapy visits, visits with her God Mother and my very very aggressive work schedule. I LOVE MY KIDDO as you know, but I have had NO DOWN TIME....NONE. I only get to take a bath when she naps in the morning then I spend the rest of the day watching her and on the phone with producers and stuff...when she goes to bed at 8, I start writing till 2 or so then go to bed. She wakes up at 7 and we are off and running again. Adding my ailing mom to the mix.....will probably kill me. But I love my mom and want her to get better....FAST! I still have to finish painting her room tonight and it is already almost midnight. I was one finger typing a document with Aria on my lap that was due today cause she was just so over Mommie trying to work. I need to find a great affordable childcare, but so far no luck. She will be going to a wonderful pre-school when she is 2 but....that's when she's 2 she is almost 1 now so that's a year away. And I battle with the idea of not seeing her cute little face everyday, but today almost killed me. We actually went out for the first time in ages to a gathering of my closest friends to eat food and drink wine. Aria got a new Baby Einstein and played on a hideabed, which she jumped and giggled on all night....till 11! You go little rock star. She is usually in bed at 8pm sharp everynight since birth so every once in a while she gets a treat. It was funny everytime the group laughed collectively she would laugh and throw her arms in the air....what a fun kid really....she rocks! So this little wonderful rock star is almost adopted we sign papers at the end of the month then wait for a court date.....weeeeeehooooo! On that note ON TUESDAY we have a meeting with her birth sister at the agency. My sw said she sounds really nice on the phone and what was really sad is....she asked that if "they" like me do you think I can see my sister grow up? Oh God.....that breaks my heart. She has been in the system for 6 years and aged out this year and never got adopted, but knows the foster system and foster homes. She mentioned that she had never had a sister and that the baby is lucky she is getting adopted. BOY....just rip my heart out why don't ya :-( This issue brings up a lot of feelings in me...one....the age old adoptive parent dilema....I was blessed (as an adoptive parent) to have a really open and shut case....crack addict mom, homeless, toothless, never shows, doesn't work on her plan....loses baby. I feel like...well...you had a chance and didn't take it so I get to raise her and now she's my daughter and part of my family. But here comes a teenager (18) who never got adopted, has the same cracked out homeless mom, who is Aria's REAL FAMILY and I am feeling :-( weird. She wants to see Aria and be her sister (which she should be....because she is her sister) and part of me wants to open my home and adopt her too.... :-) and yet...well it opens up to a whole world I didn't bargin for when I adopted a newborn baby. So I will take it one day at a time, but at the moment hearing about her sister and how much she wants to see her little 1/2 sister has brought up some weird emotions and fears. One being that we have always said that Aria is starting to look like our family, but with brown skin and now her REAL biological family will know her and well....um....it is strange for me cause for a second I feel like my kiddo is someone else if that makes sense....meeting and being in a relationship with her bio sister emphasises that she is also a part of another tribe....and tonight...the eve of my mother moving in and possibly battling cancer, the fact that the light of my life is really part of another family is.....oh boy....making me feel sad. But this is adoptive parenting.....this is what happens. I have been so blessed to be oblivious. I have been ritcheous in that my daughter's birth mother was so sick...but here comes an innocent child who wants to know her sister, someone who has been given some hard blows in life and was not a cute baby, but a really hurt child and never got adopted, who is out in the world fending for herself and one of the only nice things in her world is her little sister....and everyone I know tells me to take Aria and run....so I am again faced with the dilema....cause honestly part of me wants me to take my daughter and run and part of me wants to welcome her sister home....YIKES.....LIFE....gotta live it! But whew.....it throws you some punches. The other weird thing is I am adopting again next year and the second baby WILL be Aria's sister, but not by blood. So she will have her blood sister and her little sister, who is adopted and mom who is adopted....and in my oblivious, hippie and happiness induced state I never really looked at the dynamics of adoption...but now I see it. My angel baby with her perfect ringlet curls and big brown eyes has a white mommie and a biological 1/2 sister and a blonde auntie and soon will have an adopted little sister.....and a Momma who lives with us....and just in that description alone we will have to redefine family as so many adoptive and birth parents do everyday. The truth that no one really tells you about adoption is....it is big....it traverses a lot of planes and a lot of descriptions....You may be a mother....but someone was a mother to your child before you, you may love your child with everything you have to give of your heart, but someone loves her just because she is alive and maybe holding on to hope because she exists, you're WHOLE FAMILY may have put this child on a pedestal of love, but another family loves her too......and well....tonight....that is a lot to swallow. But I believe in God and the Blue Fairy and all that is good in the world and I know tht nothing but good is coming to my perfect little angel....so I take this ride. And we meet her sister on Tuesday.

First a shout out to my cyber friends.... Forever Family... YIPPEE amazing :-) M...rocks....how wonderful, she is such an amazing kiddo I love hearing about her tremendous growth and well...hello? she's awesome at EVERYTHING. C is just a beauty and amazing and gonna have some big shoes to fill (effortlessly...I'm sure) ....and Eli...call me let's talk, we need a male member of the band FOR SURE...I just...I love hearing about your family....it just gives me more proof....proof in the amazing amazing of it all...thank you. PAULA.....get that nurses degree girl YOU'RE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I love ya! And your kids (and hot hubby :-) will be so proud of all you are doing! Tudu...I wanna hear you're the parent of a biracial newborn...:-) boy! (but selfishly as said before....girl. :-) I need to swap hair ideas...and well after Eli and Ari...start their band???? ...you know we may need another singer :-) Not that any other of your beautiful kiddos...couldn't join. :-) Pechocha...congrats on THE FINALIZATION!!!!!!!!!! Sophia is an angel. Ahimsa....so nice to hear from you :-) How are your beauties....I miss hearing from you....miss the stories :-( Ok...while my producer woes are not resolved and neither are the lawyer issues....I feel much better. Maybe because in three days I will be basking on the beaches of Hawaii...maybe because I have begun a new and AMAZING project....and maybe because I can fianlly see the furture unfold. For the amazing project....I will be starting a blog soon about my writing, but it is about a Czech freedom fighter that was a mother and a wife who fought against oppression and was executed. When I go to the Czech Republic...I will be speaking with her daughter who, when she was 16, was taken to a prison cell and kissed her mother goodbye and that day her mother was hanged in a public square. This was only thirty years ago and this woman, her daughter, has never recovered. It does speak to the issues we face in adoption....it speaks to the tremendous loss of a parent and I can't wait to speak to her next month and tell her mother's story. I feel honored to be chosen to do so. My films are also moving along....and I am so grateful I am a writer :-) All looks good YEAH! Sadly my own little daughter will have to be left home as we are not able to finalize her adoption before my trip. It will be heartbreaking and gut wrenching to be away from her, truthfully I don't know how I will do it, but the woman I am writing about, and for, left her daughter and was never able to return to her....I will consider myself fortunate for being able to hold my angel in my arms seven days after leaving, and grateful for the understanding of the pain of separation that was permenant for Milada and...for every birth mother who relenqusihed their child...and every adoptive parent who was not able to parent their foster or adoptive child. Parenting does have it's sorrow. For my sister's wedding in Hawaii...we will have The Big Easter Egg hunt. Of the friends and family who have become parents....we will be having a huge Easter Egg Hunt at my sister's "day after wedding, brunch" When I looked at the kids...I just teared up with joy at how proud I am of our friends. Here are the kids and parents in the Easter Egg Hunt, the day after my sister's wedding. My cousin Kris and her husband Hunter and their girls...Skylar and Devon. Devon was born on the livingroom floor of their home after two contractions, weighing 9.5 pounds, born to a 5 foot 100 lbs woman who was later diagnosed with breast cancer and is (thank God) now cancer free....RIGHT ON KRISSY! Skylar is 6 and Devon is 3.5 Kellie and Mike Rosen....after two miscarriages (one in the sixth month of pregnancy) gave birth to Rachel Rosen in October of 2006. Randy and Elliot Flies after coming out to their families ten years ago, adopted a son Isaac from Vietnam, he is now 8...they later married (in a spiritual ceramony still not recognized by the state of Minnesota) and bought a house, claiming they were living thier lives in reverse, Baby, Marriage, House, adopted Jason from Cambodia who is now six. Carolyn and Chris Mukai....have three sons, the last....little Collin was born in October 2006, but the first Justin, had seizure disorder and was put on Phenol Barbital which caused speech delays and physical delays and is still in special education. And finally....... me mother to Aria Hope, who is 14 months old, biracial drug exposed, DIVA, singer extrodinaire, falsly (or not) diganosed with CP and Epilepsy.....come on Aloha Easter Bunny we are READY for you! And on a final note....my mother, who we all know I have had a challenge living with.....was found on the freeway going to Orange County (to a dr.'s appointment) on an onramp (facing the wrong direction) down the embankment, with her car TOTALLED. (Brand new Toyota Highlander SUV Hibryd) not knowing where she was and how she got there. THANK GOD SHE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it brought home for me the fact that she really, really needs help and that's why Ari and I are here....as hard as it has been, I finally get that. And I love her I really do....and so does my little angel. Ok...final note on little angel....she now rules the world and has both me and my mom wrapped around her finger...I am trying to pull in the reins a bit so as not to spoil the babe....but boy is it hard. And lastly...I boast that LA is so diverse...but really we are not. I wanted to find a little Madame Alexander doll for Ari for Easter...each of my cousins and my sister (all of which will be at the wedding in Hawaii) got their first Huggums at their first Easter....(well this is Ari's second...but ok...she was a little cute blob on her first) And I wanted to follow tradition for my own child. I went from Beverly Hills to The deep dark Valley and NEVER found a brown skinned Madame Alexander Baby doll...finally I started calling...I got answers like. "we don't carry brown skinned dolls"....like I was asking for a leper doll. To "we used to carry them, but we don't anymore.", "nope, all white" "No, we don't have brown skinned dolls." To the place I finally went to get her doll (by the way she has four gorgeous dolls, all beautiful, all brown skinned (two are from Pottery Barn kids) the other two were very expensive, but worth every dollar) They said "we do have brown skinned dolls, but they're BLACK!" "Are they Madame Alexander?" I asked? "Yes, but they're BLACK!" "Great, I'm coming right over." Clerk adds...."you sure you want a BLACK doll?" and I add..."YESSSS!" Boy oh boy...if I weren't a successful filmaker I would open a toy store of JUST ethnic dolls....damn I finally got a taste of everyday average racism....and it is in the simple fact that no doll/toy story in Los Angeles carries brown skinned dolls that don't look like a charred version of the Bride of Chucky!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr.

I was going through Musemoon/Aria withdrawl-missed hearing about Aria and you. I just plain missed you. I've been very busy-too busy to write/life full in a good way. I'm so ready to see Aria pictures. Okay as for us, had our monthly SW homevisit today and things are rapidly progressing. She is convinced his mom has "given up" and that we will not hear from her again as this is a pattern in her life. I am holding out a little hope that we can have a semi-open adoption. I'm told by the SW this is one of the very few clients she has who she feels it would work beautifully, however, she thinks she won't be hearing from her again. As for Eli is is the light of our lives right now. I thought I loved him when I first met him and I'm realizing that I didn't have a clue how much that love would grow. This is different then giving birth, so hard for me to explain. Its such a leap of faith and honestly I was scarred to make the wrong decision. I'm grateful that I was lead to Eli, that I trusted in God and in myself, in my dh, in my mom and all of those who saw the light in my son's eyes and told me what a special little guy he is. He is pure happiness. He is changing everyday. His SW said she has never seen him better and more adjusted. He really is amazing in every way. He is saying "mama" all of the time and "dad" and trying to say "sis" for his sister's but it sounds more like "SSSSSSSSSS" with a lot of drool. I don't have time to write everything. But for those of you considering foster adopt it is a hard but amazing journey.

Its Friday and I've been house sitting. I've had 3 emails from my son and we're both communicating well. I still haven't given him my phone number as I'm still on the edge of having a breakdown and I'm not available emotionally like that, but I feel I need this constant contact that he's giving me, to build up my confidence again. He says he's going to send me photos of his parents and his brother and if he does do that, that would be nice, but he's not very good at following through. A tv programme about alcohol and the damage its doing to people as young as 22 has profoundly affected him and I think its hit home. If it has and it helps give him a focus, that would be so good. I'm off to my counselling session now and she has been so encouraging and says that the reunion in her experience IS a good one. Feeling much more encouraged but my mind is still numb and I need time to recover. Will make another entry when I have more time, have to get the train now

Hi my name is Jill. My husband and I started our adoption process 16 months ago. We have been in and out of PGN now for 6 months(Guatemala). Our daughter will be 1 year old on July 8, 2007. We have been trying to understand God's plan and why our daughter still is not home. First when we signed the contract we were told our baby will be home between 4-6 months old. Then we were told babies are coming home between 8-9 months old. Now we are told, they are not sure when she will be home. Each time we have been crushed! Still trying to hold it together! We are very happy for everyone who gets to bring their babies home as infants but, it is so sad to us because we don't understand why we still are waiting. Is there anyone out there who has been through similar adoption process? Adoption complete or still waiting?

I had an agonising morning where I went out and came back fully expecting the photos to have arrived and at 11.30am they hadn't, which was sickening. So I went out again, came back and still nothing. The postman was exceptionally late and turned up at 1pm ... with the package I'd been expecting...... wahoooo - opening the package with heart lurching... oh for goodness sake! There were 19 photos altogether and it was a strange feeling looking at them I can tell you. It was like meeting his family in person, but not quite and yet at last, here I could at last put a face to the names and look for clues as to what I couldn't find through an email or phone conversation with my son. The thing that struck me is that my son is now happy to show me the happier side of the adoption. Now that I've acknowledged his pain and taken the full force of his unhappiness and his anger about everything, he now tells me that he needed to know that I understood his pain and what he'd been through, followed by telling me that he's had a great life. Which yeh, I knew, but its amazing the foresight one can get from the books I mention time and time again on the forums. Its the separation anxiety manifesting itself that has to be acknowledged before he can move on. To go into more detail would take more time than I have at the minute and burn my fingers with the typing involved!!! With the knowledge I've gleaned from Nancy Verrier The Primal Wound and a snippet someone sent me of her follow on book Coming Home To Self (must get that book, where can I find 20?) and The Adoption Reunion Guide by Julie Jarrell Bailey/Lynn Giddens I know where he's been coming from and I know where he's at, where we both are at, and its a happy place to be. (Thank goodness). I can see its been important to weather through the awful but awful emotions that have surfaced for him and myself whilst we journey towards a healing but also to allow him to criticise his aparents, say yeh, tough, but at the same time acknowledge that I know they love him - very much so. That is quite a tap dance to achieve and I'm proud of that. I'm proud of him too. Why, there you go, proud all round! Its almost like the yacht in the storm with the hatch down and all the head bashing and rolling this way and that - it's coming to some kind of calm and the sun rays are filtering through.... its made it all worthwhile.... Also Got 3 emails from him with a link that took you to a mwahhhh KISS so that's a big step for him, as he found it hard to accept my kisses and hugs, even over the phone. Even though he knows its in him (as he's m'lad) and he's been raised without them, he wants them but has found it so hard to get used to. So, another step forward. Small things in themselves to outsiders, but huge in reunion steps. Back to the photos - wow there is a few of him and he looks so handsome and so aristocratic - dicky bow and black suit and white shirt, there's the one I've always hoped for - him with his mom and dad and they are all laughing together (he says he's just pinched his dads btm) - that was a long time coming. Both he and his brother look extremely handsome lads and there's an elegance about his amom that is very becoming. His dad looks kind. They both look like wonderful people and I'm glad I've held out to see this, as he painted such a picture of them for the last year as to make me believe they were all sorts of things. Now the true picture is emerging, but as already said, he needed to express his pain and get it out. I now reflect that we are much more ahead than I had come to realise and that better things are starting to arrive now. The photos have brought a warmth to my heart, and I feel as if I'm bonding with his family through those photos. These are his parents and they seem very nice, very stable and there's more photos of him smiling, whereas the ones I had last year were predominantly of him looking unhappy. Yes, this is a happy moment and I'm hoping we can share ourselves amongst this lad whom I gave birth to 29 years ago and be a happy triad. Here's to better things. I'm pretty sure things can only get better now.

April 16, 2008 Dear M, I know! I know! I should NOT be sending this letter to you as you have not yet contacted meօ believe me I have debated with myself for over a year now! But as you will see (I hope!) I really needed to write this to you. And I am so sorry to hear that you have no interest in having contact with me at this time Ŗ or maybe never that wasnŒt the reply I was hoping for, but I will respect your decision and try to understand where you are coming from! But I will always be here when the time right for you, as long as Im alive. I wonҒt keep you apprised if I have any address changes (not that I have any changes planned!), as you can always reach me at l@xxx.com email address, should you decide to pursue a relationship at a later date. As I said, I needed to write this letter to you after almost 15 months of not hearing from you so please bear with me! I apologize for not heeding your request and invading your privacy again, but I need to let you know all that I֒m about to write. I realize now that my first letter must have caused so many feelings facing you for the first time as an adult, maybe you have never thought of the possibility of me finding you, have never dealt with these feelings long buried feelings and wanting to protect yourself by distancing me as much as possibleŅ perhaps everything from fears to unacknowledged anger, or just not ready nor interested!! I was putting so much good energy into my letter to try for a positive reunion with you, M - that I didnt even THINK of how you would respond. I apologize for my earlier letter and ask if we can try again. ItҒs a journey and it takes time. Give yourself time Your happiness is THE most important thing in the world to me and I donŒt want to jeopardize that! In this letter Im going to try and convey to you why I searched for you, since you questioned that in your letter - and what a hard reality it was at the time of your adoption. I have so many feelings and emotions that itҒs really hard to put them into words. As I was writing this letter to you, so many blocked off memories came flooding back to me. Im not very eloquent in my writing, so please bear with me through this letter, as this is totally from my heart and soul. You probably have no memory of me or any point of reference. It is different for you than for me. It is obviously a very loaded situation for every adoptee҅ especially, if they feel they cannot reciprocate the same intensity of emotion that they feel their birth parent has for them. And you have moved on in your life, with your own identity and circle of family and friends. You have no emotions tied up to me as I do with you, as I will try and explain my feelings in this letter to you. I realize that now, M, that I HAVE complicated your life. This has probably shaken your world and I just dont want to do anything that will scare you off҅ and I didnt want you to think that I didnҒt care You had it all arranged, and your emotions all in order. You knew who you were and were comfortable with that. Now you have to deal with emotions you have never felt and thought you never had, and having a possible relationship with someone you donŒt consciously remember! I realize you are perhaps afraid, and fear makes us defensive. And I understand why you might be angry. I DO see it from your point of view, but I didnt realize you would think I was breaking some kind of ғagreement that I really never signed! So first I need to correct a couple myths about your adoption. When I relinquished, there was no such thing as ԓsearching and ԓreunion. Adoptions were closed, period. I imagine that your mom and you have assumed that because the adoption was closed, I could not or would not search. I imagine that you believed that a closed adoption is or should be closed forever and that by agreeing to a closed adoption (as if there were any other option at the time), I agreed, as your Mom put it in her October 2006 letter, to have It sounds like I have a different interpretation of it than you and your Mom. I wasnt made aware of being a party to any agreement to never search for you or try to have a relationship with you when you were an adult. I agreed to not parent you, and I didnҒt nor am I looking to be a parent to you now. I still have that original copy of the adoption papers that I signed on June 2, 1969. I can even give you this piece of paper if you like. So Im not really sure ғwhat your parents were told at that time, but IԒm sorry to tell them that I never signed such a piece of paper of no searchӔ. Im truly sorry that you felt angry and upset that I broke this so called ғagreement. While I have moved on in my life, had a career, etc Ԗ I kept you in my mind, but did not dwell on your life and our circumstances, but I have never forgotten you. In fact when you were 5, I asked the Agency if I could somehow get a picture of you but your mother refused, I guess thinking it was better for me. And then in 1991, when you were 22, I again contacted the Agency to ֑see if you were searching, but alas you werenҒt and then the internet was born! And in 2004 before you turned 35 years old I tried again! I contacted the Dept. of Children֒s Services in Los Angeles and received your non-identifying information; also, this is where I received the letter that your mother wrote to me before your first birthday. And I told my family that I was starting a search for you, and they were/are all supportive! Now I felt like a caged bird set free free to speak of my secret. Just to know Ŗ some scrap of information would be a gold mine after all these years. I searched on my own for about 2 years, and then found a search-angel and suddenly, I had all that, and seemingly as quickly as it came in, it all went out again. I waited nearly 35 years just to know your օ I didnt know a single, solitary thing about you Җ and then, all of a sudden in a matter of hours on May 16, 2006, I knew more about you than I ever dreamed possible! I knew your I knew you were Ņ The other myth is from your letter of January 28, 2007: mother.Ӕ M Going through an adoption was probably the hardest thing I have ever encountered in all of my life, but I thank God that I am able to look back on all of it and smile, and forgive myself that the past could have been different. Of course, there will always be that little ache in my heart, but it subsides in knowing that you are enjoying a much better life than I could have ever offered you at that time in my life. When I was in high school, it seemed like every other week there was a new rumor going around about someone else being pregnant. I was always under the false sense of security that only happened to other people. Never in a million years would something like that happen to me!! I managed to graduate from high school sans child, and I even made it through a couple of years of college. But then suddenly one day, my whole world came crashing down. My life was changed forever. I was angry. Not angry at you, the child, for coming into existence, but at myself for being so irresponsible. I knew I had several options to choose from, but it has always been my opinion that everything happens for a reason. For some reason unknown to me yet at that time, this child (you) was supposed to be here in this world and I didn֒t feel that it was my right to deny this child a life. It may have been more convenient to choose abortion, but I ruled that out very quickly. My next two choices were either to parent, or to choose adoption. When I thought about adoption, it didnt really appeal to me. I thought to myself. It just didnt seem possible. I had a few friends who were adopted, but they never talked about it. In grade school I remembered a girl up the street who got pregnant in high school and chose adoption for her baby. It was all very mysterious and then they moved away. That was the extent of my knowledge about adoption. No more, no less. Parenting my child seemed to be the best choice to me at that time. I thought for sure my parents would help me, and besides, I knew people MUCH younger than 21 who did it. But their reality of life was extremely difficult! I told my parents that I was pregnant, and needless to say they were not at all pleased. They told me they would support me emotionally, but due to financial hardships, since my father had just graduated from UC Davis and started his veterinarian small animal clinic, with debts from school and five children to support would not be able to help me. If I decided to parent this child, it was going to be solely up to me. I would also need to find arrangements for my child while I worked. My plans of finishing college would have to be put on hold for a day when my child had grown up and I had time, energy and money. When they put it to me hard and the cold reality of the time, I was crushed. I could not understand how they could be so cruel!! It took quite awhile, but after I stood back up and REALLY looked at my situation, I could understand where they were coming from, and my inability at that time to provide for you. It was going to be all roses and sunny days҅ my parents had 4 more children to take care of financially, specifically for their education. It was not at all fair for me to expect them to be secondary parents to my baby while I finished growing up and preparing for my future of going to school and getting my education in my chosen field. At least that is what society said to me a na֯ve, unknowing and trusting girl barely out of my teensօ So in mid-February, 1969, I went awayӔ to St. Annes, a home for unwed mothers in downtown Los Angeles. It was run by Catholic nuns; although not Catholic, they accepted me. At least I learned a little about the Catholic religion while there; and learned how to knit! My afghan turned into a king-size blanket! And I met so many other girls there from all walks of life. I donҒt believe anyone of them was keeping their child so sad when I think about it now. As much as I hated to admit it at first, adoption was probably the best decision for my child and myself, considering my circumstances, and the œtime period and how society felt about illegitimate children to unmarried women; letԒs not forget that it was a different world back then. did not yet exist. There were no programs in schools for pregnant teens. A pregnant girl was not even allowed to finish high school, let alone go on to college. Not only was there a stigma against unwed mothers, but there was also a stigma against their innocent childrenpeople took illegitimacy seriously in those days. Jobs? What kind of job could an uneducated, unwed mother get? Sad to hear that now in this time and age the narrow thinking of the ב60s, isnt it? Back in 1968 there were no resources for unwed single mothers and oneҒs child was labeled a bastardђ. I did not want you growing up with that stigma of being a bastard or illegitimate child. I wish I had had the courage to strike out on my own, unfortunately I had no financial means, but also lacked the vision, courage, conviction, confidence and willingness to make the sacrifice that such a decision required. I have regretted it these past 38 years. I have always regretted not having the courage to get myself properly sorted before you were born and for not having the courage to stand up to my parents and society in general. Its easier said than done in hindsight and I have to live with it but if I could go back and change things I would have parented, unfortunately there are no do-overs. I am tired of feeling like I am a bad birthmother. These feelings come from a society that did not realize ғwhat adoption did to all concerned. And the guilt of shame that they put upon us. Guilt is about the things I do Ԗ such as getting myself into a situation to get myself pregnant to begin with; shame is about feeling badly about who I was and am as a person somehow less-than and not worthy. Shame drove me to do almost anything in the world to avoid feeling badly. It has finally been lifted and I now have some empathy/sympathy for that lost young woman in the ֑60s, who looked for love in all the wrong places and terrified out of her mind, chose the easier, softer way, some would say. I will always be the bad abandoning mother. I had no clue what it was going to do to me to relinquish a child, my child, part of my very being... a part of my fabric physically, emotionally and spirituallyօ Sorry, getting a bit raw here I am emotionally loaded writing this and have the belief that the truth may be thick in the beginning but it has a chance to thin out as time passes! I have moved past that point to a place of healing. But I truly want to be honest with you, M, so I need to write this to you. I value honest feelings and mean no harm, I just want to be heard for who I was and am and what I feel. I am sorry I could not parent you, but I am content that you had the life I wanted you to have, and a life I could not give or provide you at that time. Years ago I thought I was doing the right thing for us both but it probably wasnŒt and I wonder if you will find it in your heart to forgive me? I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. And I have forgiven my parents for back then who surely believed in their hearts that encouraging me/us to relinquish was the best thingŅ they were unable maybe and unaware of the life-long ramifications that would result. It was how things were done, as awful as that may have been; I trusted in them and forgive and understand how society/social mores were back then; as forgiveness and understanding seems that they will lighten the load and allow for more joy; letting go of the anger brings a freedom of spirit Also, I chose adoption, I could be assured that my child would have both a mother and a father who were always there. If I kept you, you would have had no father figure. That was one thing that really made me sad. I tried to imagine what my life would have been like without my father! My father was always there when I was a little girl, and through my teens, twenties, etc through more than half my life time before he died in 2000. While I was staying at St. AnneŒs, he would take me to the Los Angeles Kings ice hockey games on weekends when they played in town, which I looked forward to each time and dearly loved! And have always kept this in my heart! I he still loved me even though I was going to give up his only grand child for adoption. I was Daddys little girl. Without my father, those happy and fun memories wouldnҒt be there. And maybe youd have brothers or sisters. If I ever had any more children, it would be years down the road. They would not at all be close in age. I chose adoption, my child would be guaranteed a good life. A life without poverty. I chose adoption, I could complete my college education and prepare myself for a successful future and become a productive member of society. I could concentrate on school and a part time job and not have to attempt to fit parenting into that equation. Adoption was of course the logical answer for my situation. They (State Dept of ChildrenҒs Services) told me adoption was the best choice. I did what everyone said was best for my child at the time, and times dictated adoption. I was unmarried and though 21, was not prepared to take on the responsibilities of being an unmarried mother. They told me my baby would have two loving parents, a good home and all of the advantages I was too young and inexperienced to provide at that time with no money for medical expenses that might come up, food, shelter, among other things. They also told me that this was an opportunity for me to go on with my life finish school, find a loving husband and have other children. They didnŒt tell me about the haunting dreams, the unanswered questions and terrible ache that remained with me for the rest of my life. They didnt tell me that you can never replace that lost child. The only problem was my aching heart. I wanted so badly to be a good mother to this unborn baby that was kicking around inside of me. I would love her beyond comprehension. I would do everything in my power to take care of her and to be a good mother to her. But the fact of the matter was, MY BEST WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Not at that point in my life and not in that period of societyҒs denial of unmarried women raising their own child in a one parent home. Yes, unfortunately it like that and only 38 years ago, so hard to believe but true! Thankfully, the stigma has definitely changed by leaps and bounds and thats a good thing! Hopefully your views arenҒt just black and white on relinquishment. Theres an excellent book called ғThe Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler Ԗ who is an adoptee herself and it opens the eyes to the realities of what I/we went through and that we did have feelings when we relinquished. I hope you֒ll give it a read! Since I loved this unborn baby already to the incredible great extent that I did, I wanted only the BEST for you. The BEST most beautiful baby nursery. The BEST foods. The BEST medical care. The BEST schools. The BEST neighborhood to live in. And I wanted the BEST parents for you. Sadly, I knew I was not that nor could I have provided you with all of that. My love would always be there. But love doesnt put food on the table. Love doesnҒt put clothes on your back. Love doesnt pay tuition. Love doesnҒt keep the house from getting broken into because youre forced to live in a bad neighborhood. Love doesnҒt buy toys, strollers, cribs, bottles, medicine, etc. It is not my familys or friendsҒ responsibility to provide me with the cost of living. Nor is it the responsibility of the government and tax payers to take care of my situation because I chose to be irresponsible and bring a child into the world when I was not ready or capable of taking care of her on my own. Yes, I could have taken this baby home from the hospital with me and I could have made it work. I could have gotten by, but thats all IҒd be doing is JUST getting byӔ. I am not the type of person who settles for second best. Just getting byӔ isnt good enough for me, or a child of mine. My child deserves better. You deserve better, M! But I changed my mind every other day at St. AnneҒs. One day adoption seemed like the best decision I could ever possibly make, and then the next day I was adamantly against it, trying to convince myself that I was going to be the perfect mother (amidst the unicorns and fairy godmothers running around in the front yard of our palace). Hopefully someday you will come to understand all the reasons why I could not be a good mother to you at that time, and why I chose adoption and the family that you are now a part of and will be, M! It was in no way because I didn֒t WANT you. I wanted you [u] than anything in the world, but first and foremost, I wanted what was best for YOU, and someday I hope you will know and understand that. Yes, it WAS the hardest decision Ive made in this life time; and I came to the realization that I COULD get through this. I wasnҒt going to become severely depressed for the rest of my life, I wasnt going to fall off the deep end, or lose my sanity. Yes, it was hard Җ and I cried until it seemed like I couldnt shed another tear. During all those years of silence there was no one with whom I could share my guilt and pain. I donҒt even remember the next 2 to 3 years after your birth, it was like I was walking around in a fog. I experienced overwhelming heartache and missed you more than anything in the world, especially your first birthday and all of the birthdays to follow. Mothers Days were hard, and so were the many holidays when all of the family is together. It always feels like someone is missing. You learn to deal with it though, and light a candle in my heart and mind for that precious child that I not only gave life to, but a wonderful life to live in. Memories donҒt cease to exist just because we have no tangible items from a specific time in life. I loved you so much, but there were no options for me to keep you, so sadly I gave you up, hoping that you would be loved as I loved you. My love and you will always be a part of my heart. Quote from Pascal On the early evening hours of May 14, 1969, the most beautiful baby girl was born. After quite a few hours of labor (!!), I went in about 12 noon and you were ԓbreeched so they wanted to wait until you turned around on your own. Unfortunately, you did not. I guess you wanted to jump into this life feet first! And you finally (!) arrived at 5:25pm, all 8 pounds 4 ounces and 20 Խ inches! I finally got to set my eyes on you the little acrobat who used to do somersaults and high kicks around in my belly while I was trying to sleep so many countless nights. I֒ll never forget the sound of your very first cry. You were more perfect than I could have ever, ever imagined. And so tiny! When they placed you in my arms for the first time, I felt such a sea of emotions. But then IԒd suddenly become so sad as I remembered I wasnt going to get to take you home with me. I forced myself to concentrate on your glowing smiles, and the dreams of a great family for you were going to come true through adoption. I thought it might make it even harder to part with you if I spent too much time with you in the hospital. But the fact of the matter was, I had already grown attached to you throughout my pregnancy. I didnҒt want to risk the regret of not having spent time with you, so I had the nurse bring you to me the next day. I was there all by myself with you for a few hours each day before I had to leave St. Annes. I stroked your soft light brown hair and touched your warm little cheeks. Every so often you would flash a beautiful little dream smile at me. You were an unexpected, but very loved, and a very wanted miracle. I whispered to you that you were the most beautiful baby girl and told you how much I loved you. Those three days that I got to spend with you were the best days of my entire life. I wanted those days to last forever, but sadly I knew they would come to an end, and all too soon. IҒm forever changed. If I only understood what a huge price falling in love would carry. As a result of my mistake, I had been stripped of my dignity, my self-esteem, and my faith and trust in others. Most of all, Id been stripped of my motherhood when I left St. AnneҒs. I didnt like the idea of just leaving you there in the hospital, I wanted to be the one to hand you over to your adoptive parents and to say my final goodbye to you. I always knew saying ғgoodbye was going to be painful, I just didnԒt know it would be to this devastating degree. This pain is so intense it takes my breath away҅ but I must endure the pain of relinquishment. And thankfully, I did get to say goodbyeӔ when I signed the adoption papers on June 2. They let me see and hold you for a whole ten minutes and I whispered to you then Id always love you and that I [u] find you one day and you gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen. Perhaps, that is one reason your letter sounded so angry to me Җ that I didnt find you sooner - ?? Җ or maybe not! You were only 18 days old, so I dont know if you would remember that; but maybe you did subconsciously! But those last moments of your smile never left my memory even when everything else was buried. It was 38 years ago on May 14, 1969 the most precious gift of love was given to me by God. The only child I was ever to have. I decided unselfishly to give my beautiful daughter whom I named S C up for adoption and be M K. To a good life I was unable to provide at that time. I gave my heart away. No one, unless they have ever actually done this, could EVER understand the strength that was involved to walk away from that Van Nuys adoption office that day. ItҒs part of the mystery of adoption, M, its part of how we donҒt really understand what adoption is or how it effects all the people involved. I believe theres so much emotion in adoption that itҒs hard for anyone whose life has been touched by it to step back from their own experience, perspective, and opinion to recognize that others may see things very differently. As you and your mother do. Each one of us have quite different fears and perspective and each one should be recognized! I just held my breath and held my head up high and prayed to God for strength. I managed to get through it, but I know it would have been twice as hard if I didnt have so much support and love from my family and friends and especially God. They really carried me through it all. Not a day went by that I didnҒt think of you in some way, shape or form! I am extremely proud of my decision because it worked out so positively for everyone involved. You won! You were part of a loving and stable family. You went to good schools, had awesome vacations that I could never have taken you on (I hope!). A mom and dad and tons of extended family who all love you so much. Your adoptive parents won. Their dreams of a child became a reality with my gift of love to them. They got to be proud parents of a beautiful child, when they once thought it was an impossibility. I won. I got to continue my college education, found a great job, traveled a bit, and finally met the man of my dreams who is my soul-mate. Had I not made adoption plans, my life would have taken a completely different route, to different cities and I might never have met my soul mate, L and had the life I have now, and you yours. After all is said and done, I can proudly say that I have no regrets now that I know you have been safe and loved and I am very content with my decision. Unfortunately, I did not have any more children, but I consider myself a natural-, first-, birth-, biological-mother (which ever way you prefer to call it!), but I become a . But you are right too! No one has ever said ֑Happy Mothers DayҒ to me You wondered what made me decide to search. I canŒt remember exactly why I went looking for you was I looking for answers, was I looking for a piece of myself that had been missing for 36 years? I thought of you so often in the last few years, wondering and pondering what your life is like now, what I could have done to have kept you but knowing that it was impossible, but mostly it was my promise to you when you were only 18 days old! I needed to know I did the right thing and that the people who wanted a daughter so desperately were good and loving. I gave you up because I loved you so much it hurt. Today I listened to a song that was playing on the radio when I left the adoption agency that day Ŗ Gale Garnett sang and I cried and cried. ItԒs amazing, though 38 years have passed, the hurt was still so deep that I almost couldnt breath, as my life had changed forever on that day. I had a flashback of that afternoon minute by minute. It is amazing how one song from the ґ60s can bring back such memories! Ive learned from the adoption forums that birth mothers protect themselves from the pain that we go through by distancing ourselves from that one instance, that one moment when we loved our children more than life itself҅ sometimes its the hardest thing to do for us to have to go back to that moment Җ thinking that no one will ever know the pain, the hurt, the feeling that we were abandoning our baby (when we did it for the best of reasons). And the fear that our child will not understand what we did and the reasons that we did it. It was really important to me, because I needed to know that you were alive and safe and healthy and loved. Imagine not knowing for so many years it made it very difficult for me. I just want to share that with you, M, so that you can understand , even though the adoption was closed, I took the risk of opening it up ֖ not to be another mother to you, not to ruin or complicate your life; never meant to cause harm; I never meant to hurt anyone either. But to know that you were okay and perhaps, if you let me, to get to know you and allow yourself to get to know me. You hear all about kids being kidnapped, found dead, etc. I wanted to make sure you were not one of them! Or you could have been in Manhattan on September 11th. I am SO thrilled and relieved to find you alive and well!! But from where I stand, it seems I did both. This was my intentions! You are an adult and I probably should have waited until you searched for me but at the time I wasnŒt sure if you even knew you were adopted and that was why you werent searching for me. It has warmed my heart just to hear from your mother, and the little that she did tell me about your childhood! But I know from what she did tell me that you did have a good life! You wanted for nothing and had/have a loving family! You have experienced things in life that I would never had been able to give you the opportunity to do. Also, I need to let you know that I had NO idea that your heart condition was so serious! I was only told that you had a very tiny hole in your heart, and it would ғrepair itself and I need not worry (but of course I did). I couldnԒt believe what you had to go through in your early childhood years described by your mother in her letter to me! And am so glad to hear that it didnt hinder you whatsoever! Thank you, Jesus! And since in your letter you mentioned that you did not have medical information Җ here is what I know no genetic diseases in my family, except for a condition I have inherited from my maternal grandmother ֖ retinal degeneration of the eyes. It only happens to olderӔ people in their 80s and on, but I was diagnosed with this in 1976 at age 29 (I guess Im just an ґold soul); the best way to describe this retinal degeneration - itҒs like if you pull chewing gum and holes appear as you stretch it further this is what happened to my retinas. I did have cryo-surgery for both my eyes in 1977 and through the 80s had laser shots into my retinas to repair any new holes or tears appearing. As of the early 90s I have not needed anymore laser shots, but do have yearly check ups on my eyes. So I would suggest that you see an eye specialist doctor in retinal diseases to have this checked out. I wanted to mention that I did send a letter to the Adoption Agency in 1977 telling them about my retinal degeneration, and I֒m hoping that your parents received notice of this. I had a complete physical when I turned 50 (10 years ago) and the Doctor said I was a perfect specimen of a healthy 50 year old femaleӔ. Now I just have the beginnings of osteo-arthritis in my hips and neck so you will need to check out your bone density, etc. My mother has the same problems and received a new right hip at 80 years old. In late-2005 I started to lose weight. I was 150 plus a few pounds (my husband is a great cook!) and I was losing like 2 pounds a month. Finally in April ֒06 I went to my medical doctor, who suspecting leukemia, then sent me to an oncologist and then went to five different doctors in 8 months. And after lab and blood tests too numerous to count, and dozens of x-rays and MRIs, the Doctors couldnt figure out why I was losing all this weight, as all the tests came back normal. I now weigh about 110 lbs Җ and feel terrific! Maybe the weightђ was from carrying this weight on my shouldersӔ (your relinquishment) and finally after starting my search for you it was just lifted off of meօ I dont know, and neither do any of the doctors! So here is a list of known medical information: no diabetes or high or low blood pressure, no epilepsy, asthma, emphysema or other lung conditions, no tuberculosis, stomach, liver or gallbladder diseases, no kidney or bladder conditions, no blood disease, no heart trouble (but my father had a heart attack in Ғ84 at age 67 and had a quadruple bypass; and lived another 16 years, dying of inoperable lung cancer at age 83. He was a heavy smoker from very early on in his life.) No high or low cholesterol, no heartburn or ulcers, and no migraine headaches. Basically, Im pretty healthy with no problems! I hope this helps you with your medical history, and if you have any specific questions, IҒm here for you! Unfortunately on June 8th, 2007, I learned that my sister, M, has been diagnosed with lymph-node Stage 2 cancer (groin/abdominal) and started chemotherapy treatments; she finished her last month of treatments in October, 2007 and the cancer has shrunk quite a bit, so that is good news! And her doctor says this is hereditary. M I know that I֒m a stranger to you but I had a bond with you for 9 months and the 3 days after your birth. Fortunately for the both of us ֖ two of the most wonderful and loving people on this earth raised and loved you! It really wasnt about what I ғneeded or ԓwanted to do Ԗ it was what YOU neededӔ! Did I walk away? No, of course not. Did I want you to spend the rest of your life away from me? No, I didnt. I never want to replace your parents, I just want you to know me for the person that I am ғthe birth mother who loved you more than life itself. The birth mother who protected you while you grew in my stomach. The birth mother who thought about what was best for you. The birth mother who loves you today, tomorrow and always. Yes, I relinquished you, but it was a rejection. It was done out of love for you and hoping youԒd have a better life than what I could give. I tried to make the best and most loving decision I could for you, M. It was a gut wrenching decision and NOT easy! I was able to place you with a family that has loved you and did their best. I always carried you in my heart I thought about you throughout the years; I prayed that you were safe, healthy and loved! And am SO glad to find out that you were! It has brought me a lot of peace of mind to finally that you were actually alive and have the life I dreamed and hoped you would!! You have the ֓say in what happens now, as you mentioned in your letter, as I had the ԓsay when I relinquished you! I most certainly WANT you in my life Ԗ you mean the world to me! I would love to have a friendshipӔ with you. You dont need another mother. Karen IS your mother! I cannot ever replace your mother and your mother cannot replace me either҅ And I must say she is a very loving, protective, and caring mother, as I found out just talking with her on the phone. I am happy to hear she considers you her best friend. Whats that saying? You have a wonderful family Җ and dont need another one, but one can never have enough friends Җ yes? And that is ALL I want from you, M, a friendship. And again I am SO sorry that I threw your world into turmoil and made you angry and upset with me when I first contacted you. I never realized that I would do this to you. Please believe me! I thought youd be thrilled to finally know I was still out there Җ as I felt, when I found out were alive out there somewhere! What a sigh of relief that was after 35 years of not knowing. But now after talking with other adoptees I understand that your feelings and emotions normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers. Maybe feelings of betraying your Mom and Dad if you spoke with me; the only parents you have known that have been good to you, there is also a loyalty issue. Their feeling threatened, circumvented, and excluded. Perhaps some self-protection from your feelings of rejection and maybe some sense of betrayal at having been given up. A sense of unreality about me you know nothing about. Thats the last thing I want anyone to feel! Actually, I really donҒt know and probably shouldnt guess, eh? Do I want too much Җ probably. Did I hurt you yes! Can I fix it ֖ no, probably not! And this letter is probably a help either since you did ask me not to contact you. I truly hope this letter does not hinder our communications, as I do not want to chase you away either!! I just wanted you to know all that IŒve written to you maybe it would help in your decisions ֖ and I needed to tell you all this, if you never do consider having contact. So now that I have forgiven myself, I wonder if you can ever forgive me? I hope so, as I did the best that I could 38 years ago. We did the best we could and if we did not do it right then, we were in a place where we did not see how to do it right! Society at that time said that, but is it true? Surely, we are older and wiser and donŒt buy that crap! I getӔ the guilt part, but Ive had to deal with it Җ finally! Time has a way of changing. Remember the only constant in life IS change. Why live a cookie-cutter life when there are so many more fascinating things outside the box? Much of life IS chances we take, the love we give when we dont think we ever had it in us! Life is chaos҅ hope and love. Relinquishment is still the most painful thing I have done, but I find comfort in knowing your parents opened their hearts and home and raised you as their own. I do hope one day you will understand that my head wasnŒt messed up I wasnŒt drugged out, or an alcoholic, etc. I did this because of my love for you. I also hope one day your parents will know that I do understand they your parents and hope I get the opportunity to hug them both. Yes, I have love in my heart for them too, they love my daughter and they protected her. I can tell that your parents care about me. You were raised with full knowledge of your adoption and they shared my heritage, Latvian with you; that makes me truly happy, M, that your mom told me about this in her letter and you in yours. And since you knew that, I thought you be open to contact! Again, M, I am truly sorry to throw your emotions into chaos and made you SO angry with me! I now understand that your feelings and emotions normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers, as I said before. There are two books that an another adoptee mentioned that might also help. Both are by Nancy Verrier ֓The Primal Wound and the sequel ԓComing Home to Self. Maybe it can help you to understand your angry feelings, and other emotions you might be feeling But IԒve heard that the first book I mentioned is pretty raw and candid! You have to kind of pick and choose what applies to you. And when your mother said Ԗ I did not realize at the time that your mother meant herselfӔ also. That is why I called her and not you that night. I thought I had had a very nice conversation with your mom. And Im so glad I did. But I sure was not expecting your letter of January 28th, 2007. Boy Җ that really was a sock to my stomach and my heart! And that is why Ive waited 15 months now Җ hoping and praying that I would hear from you Truly I never meant harmŅ we are strangers to one another. There is a link to be sure, but there is so much history that was never written and it takes time to develop a connection. Just thought we could maybe connectӔ after so many years. We can take it as slow as you like! But I know that this will take time and patience to establish a relationship/friendship of the kind we are both comfortable with, if you are up to it! Wouldnt you like to meet someone that actually looks like you? Have you ever wondered or wanted to know where you got your eyes and chin from? Or your hair color҅ Or your smile Or your love of music or art? I believe I would! M, I want to give you the time that you need to process all that I have thrown at you in the last year! I will understand if you donŒt feel as strongly as I do about meeting at least once! Well, once more in our life time! So if you are willing to join me in this journey, and when you are ready, I will welcome you to the Six Flags over Adoption! Home of the emotional super-duper-looper roller coaster! A Journey of a Lifetime! I hear its a great ride! So many emotions going through all involved in this ғrollercoaster ride of your life! And there are NO seat belts!! As a reunited adoptee friend of mine said Ԗ With honest communication it can be fulfilling and also there is the fact that there is a mortality issue. Time isnԒt a guarantee now we have the rest of our livesŅ but time does not wait for us; the plan would be to keep our regrets to a minimum. as with our expectations! I canŒt change the past but I can look forward to the future! There are no rules to reunion, no time tables, no statue of limitation! We can take this as slow as you like, as IŒve said. I want you to know that you are important to me. It important to me that we are honest with each. I really need for you to know the story, my story, and story, that I had to only write this once, just to tell . Maybe information that you never knew; but as you said in your letter Ԗ but I really dont think you have been told the actual truth; you just know ғmy story from your parents and they in turn heard or read that in papers that a stranger wrote down at the Agency. I donԒt want you to be afraid to know me. If you have even the smallest part of me in you you will realize I pose no threat to you or your family. We just might be able to be friends. I have no anger, I have no guilt, I do have joy and regretօ joy that you had such a perfect childhood, and regret that I hadnt been part of it҅ hindsight is wonderful but not worth a whole bunch as we cannot do a thing with it. Im glad to read in your letter that you are comfortable with who you are, M Җ it makes me feel good. Im glad to get some of my feelings out there for you, and hope you come to a place of peace. I would love to have our relationship to take its own course and not force it. When I want something Җ I tend to charge full speed ahead and go for it! Patience has never been one of my finer qualities when I really want something badly. I guess I decided too quickly to want to develop as good as a relationship with you as soon as possible. I must try and be patient and rein in my need to proceed at warp speed! I guess since so much time has passed I just wanted to make up for that lost time. I know that making up for lost time is an impossibility. That time is gone and cannot be replaced, nor really make up for it. In retrospect, I overwhelmed you! I shouldn֒t have charged ahead quite so fast. I just want you to know that, when you are ready, again, remember Im here for you, now and forever! So M, hope you give this some more deep thoughts, because every day, I hope this will be the day I hear from you. I will be respectful of your wishes, if you choose to not want a relationship. I do not intent to force myself into your life. However, I want to give you the opportunity to know me, if you choose to. And if you choose not to, please thank your parents for me Җ for being the good parents that I prayed to God you would have. A good family! A good life of being loved and cherished. This was not for a loanӔ, not just for your growing up yearsӔ, but forever! I have/had no preconceptions and I will go on with my life as I have, and just be content in knowing that you are happy with who you are and where you are in your life! I do realize not every adoptee wants to meet their natural mothers. So if you choose to have nothing to do with me, it wont make me love you less. Take care҅ Smiles and good thoughts, M! Sveiks! L P.S. Since this is the first time I can actually say this to you: I hope you have a very Happy 39th Birthday this coming May! And I wish you many more great birthdays, M! I just celebrated my 60th birthday on August 31st in Riga, Latvia, as my mother asked that I celebrate it with her; so my husband and I flew over there for the celebration, and on the trip back visited my sister M and her husband R in Sweden. I would also like to congratulate you on your engagement and maybe already marriage! Hoping you found your true soul mate in this life and hope you have a healthy and prosperous one together! And I hope he makes you smile!

My family does not realize how important it is for me to know what God has done with the children and how He has taken care of me, as well. I am so glad for everything that is going on in my life right now, I can hardly believe all the changes within that have taken place in me. God is good, and He is really doing a work in me, IT is a sight to behold. God is good. I am grateful to have this place to write and to be where God wants me to be. The weight has not come off entirely, and it is no longer troubling me. It will come off, when my eating gets better, or when I find something that will cleanse me entirely. I do not know.

Looking for childrens grandparents for medical reasons. Don't need organs or anything like that. Mark Jeffery was told at birth was named Jeffery Mark born 9/11/1959.in Hennepin Co. MN. Mark is currently in the hospital and would like to find birth motheror and father please if you know anything to let me know. thank you

I have an appointment with our GAL, who we have chosen to be our attorney for our adoption. He was the reason things progressed when it came down to it CPS's legal team is ummmm pathetic, so anyway I am excited to get everything done and finalized. Things have been challenging since baby girl left. I have had a rough time with missing her. It through me into a depression. So I got my heart fixed and all excited to be "normal" then all of the sudden in follow up appointments my blood preasure that has always been fine was through the roof and I began to have major health issues that Dr's couldn't figure out, all asked me "any chance you could be pregnant?" To which I laughed and said "no". I had what I thought was the worst period of my life, I nearly passed out from the blood loss and was anemic for several weeks, yes, thats right it was a miscarriage and I didn't even know I was pregnant, i felt like an idiot for not knowing and then wondering if I was to blame, but after finding out that i was pregnant I was told absolutely no giving birth for me, honestly for whatever reason I already knew this a long time ago and accepted it. I mean I did have moments of sadness. But I have 3 beautiful children, and two children at the time I found out originally and accepted no more giving birth, adoption is not a 2nd choice just another way for us, not a biggie. I was sick through both pregnancies and it was hard and I did not "miss" the pregnancy part of finding my Eli, however, loosing Maya... Its been a killer. I can't do it again and so I thought okay this is a sign, I really feel we have one more baby coming to our family, this means I will just give birth. Then my inlaws were idiots, so not worth repeating. It was just a crappy month. I don't know if I am capable of going down that adoption road again. Emotionally draining. So for our family are taking a step back and just loving our kiddoes. I'm taking care of my needs and healing from these wounds. I wish I had more time. but Kids are needing their mom. :

Note: This is not directed to anyone here. I just have to write to get this off my chest. Thanks! Carolyn How can you tell me how to grieve and what is correct etiquette and incorrect etiquette on grief and death? Hmmm, who have you lost in your life? Right, NO ONE!!!! Screw you!!! You still have both of your parents, you have never lost a spouse. Yes, maybe an aunt or uncle, friend or grandparent, but you still have your parents, your children still have their father. No, you have no concept of what I have lost and you never will. You don't know what it is like to lose your father, only to come back from the funeral and not even a week later have your husband go in the hospital and never come home again. And while your husband may die one day befoer you (who knows, you may go first), your children are raised, you will never know the fear of raising them alone and trying to figure out how to fix their world, because even though I just lost my father, I was 33, they were just children. You will never know what it is like to have both of your parents gone by the time you are 42. I know that there are those who lost their parents much earlier than me. I don't pretend to know what they are going through. At least my father walked me down the aisle, my mother got to see all her grandbabies. I cannot comprehend their loss, so why do you think you can understand mine and then to tell me I am right or wrong or am doing this incorrectly? Then I love that you have no idea about adoption on top of it all. Oh, you've read this and read that and you know all the answers. I love Diane and she is my first mom, who I love with all my heart, but you don't just go *poof* and magically all the years of history are there and she is your mother. She holds her very special place in my heart and in my life, but mom is my mom, as Diane is her children's mom. While we have a bond, I think we understand that there are differences in the relationship and I think we understand this. (which is really all that matters-what WE understand) I love her, she is one of my moms, they each played special and important roles in my life, but people like you, who are not involved in adoption, say stupid things like, "Well, at least you still have your REAL mom." My mom was my real mom. You just don't get it on any level, do you? So until you have lost all that I have lost, (this doesn't include my miscarriage and my best friend who was murdered by her boyfriend while I was on the phone with her in high school.) don't pretend to have any idea of what I am going through and the audacity to let me know that I should be feeling this way or that. Talk to me when both of your parents and your husband are dead, okay!!!! *Again, this is not to anyone who comes here. The person I am referring to does not even know this site exists, so if you take offense or think I am speaking to you, I am not. I just needed a safe place to vent where I know they will never find it.* Carolyn

I have some ideas for E's adoption party. DH wants to rent one of those bouncy houses and seeing as how its not likely to still be warm enough for an outdoor party we will most likely do it at our church or rent out a hall big enough. I plan on a big cake w/ E's picture and full name (his new last name!). Some simple but yummy finger foods. Drink?? Since we don't drink alcohol thinking an ice tub full of juice/soda/water or some kind of punch, haven't decided yet. I also think we should rent a popcorn machine and a cotton candy machine??? Not sure\...because that would seem very carnival like...but I do want it to be fun and for the kids with it being enjoyable for adults, okay maybe we will nix that sticky messy idea. I plan on inviting everyone from Social services that has touched our lives. I don't think they get a lot of positives and I think that despite our differences with some workers, (umm Maya's worker and supervisor) it would be a nice gesture. I don't know if people expect to give presents at an adoption party but I don't care. I plan on putting on invitation "In lieu of a gift please make donation in honor of "E" to "charity" of our choice. We were nominated for "family of the year" by somebody who I guess doesn't know us well, sponsored by the charity I would like to donate to. They support nurturing and helping families in our community to prevent foster care. They honored all families nominated with a dinner, it was wonderful and as I had visits with Maya at this community center before her mom went threatening and violent at one visit and they had to be moved to the county building, I have really good feelings towards them. I really liked their SW's and their mission. I don't really want gifts nor does E need any gifts. I plan on getting a name plaque designed by a local artist with a quote on it for his room-any ideas for a good quote??? I will display that. I also plan on scheduling a professional family photo shoot and displaying our family portrait. The one thing that I am on the fence about is if we should somehow honor the SW who placed E with us, she's the only reason we ever did end up adopting through foster care in the first place, and the person who basically gave E to us. She commited suicide last year after a co-worker commited suicide. She was the best worker we had in our 3 years and several children/workers later. She has 2 daughters (grown) who I would like to invite. I'm just wondering if we should switch donation in her name and honor her??? Or is that too much? I don't know. Dh will most likely have his 2 cents if he ever comes home from the mountains. I would like to make a life book for E and display that, not the private info. more along the lines of a scrapbook. The only thing that bugs me is I Keep asking his first foster family for baby pictures, she keeps putting me off. I don't have a single baby picture of him!!! I suppose I can start it at 11 months. But for the future, for E I need some of his baby pictures. I'm going to hunt down some of his relatives if I have to (after adoption), I know they have pictures of him as a baby to 3 months old. Thats what I have so far. Open to comments.

How quickly I forgot what it is like when someone close to you dies. The people you always thought would be there for you are unable to be found, while complete strangers offer up compassion and caring. I am at a loss and feel completely alone. I don't know why it is hard to be here for me, I don't talk about her non-stop. It is actually something I talk very little of. Maybe a "I really miss her", and a few times I get choked up a little, but really, just knowing someone is with you is really all that is needed. I think that many times people think they have to say or do the right thing. They are so scared of the subject, they stay away all together instead. Sometimes it is just the quiet coming along side, knowing they are just "there" (physically or emotionally) is all that is needed. We don't need to talk about it, we just need to know you are there. It is amazing how many people you lose, other than the one you physically lost, when someone dies. Sometimes that is even a harder loss. The one who died can't help it. Carolyn